With Every Fiber of my Being
After she died, Valentine’s Day landed a paralyzing blow. I couldn’t even stomach hanging her lollipop wreath or putting out the tower of hearts that sat on her dessert table. With every fiber of my being, I wanted to- I just could not. I could not pour a cup of tea or delight in the love that seemed to linger in the air on Valentines. Every fiber of my being wanted to steep in the moments we shared and I just could not. And somehow through the grace of time, cherished moments and memories gently soothed my heart. It is almost like dipping a toe in the water knowing when the time is right diving in might be scary but is certainly doable. Slowly glimpses of moments would transport me to….
…..When she would deliberate over which animal would serve as the perfect valentine. When she would labor over each card, insisting that she write out the name and tell me a story about each. For a brief moment before she would tuck the card into the envelope, her eyes would linger over each detail. Her love notes to her friend and without fail, to her mama- one of her love notes would make it’s way to beside my bed- a precious valentine.
….When the girls came for Valentine’s Tea- just she and her girlfriends- drinking out of fancy china and delicately holding the tiniest of tea sandwiches and pastries- for no other reason than it was Valentine’s Day. When the last dish was dried and the house returned to it’s winter slumber, my little one would ask if she and I could have tea.
….When, at the end of the day, she would sit on her bed, her Valentine’s bag spilled across the covers so she could sort through the pile of cards. Inevitably she would hand me one with a treat attached because she knew Valentines was just my thing.
Over time the lollipop wreath has found it’s way to the front door and welcomes me home. And somehow I can now explain- “It was for Catherine’s Valentine’s Tea.” And the tower stands proudly at top of the stairs-a simple reminder of when. And even though there are still the things that every fiber of my being wants- even though there is still so much more to be done- so much more of this journey to walk, I have come to know that while every fiber of my being may want, my heart will lead me to a time and place where I can.