The night she died the universe had fallen to its knees and not a soul dared to breathe. The stars, though, the stars did not waver. They burned with an intensity that called to me, begging me to look up so their light could wash over me. In their silence, the stars burned with a force that promised despite what I might be thinking, they would not allow the darkness to extinguish their light.
She would be the first to spot it in the fading daylight. In an instant she would call out:
“Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. A wish I may, a wish I might.”
My little one would her squeeze her eyes shut, cupping her hands over her face as she cast her wish up to the twinkling light. “Star light, star bright”- is the whisper we utter when we spy the first star in the night sky. I can her little voice join ours as we recite the words. I cover my face in the same way she did and whisper my wish to heaven- I whisper my wish to my little one.
“I wish that I could feel your hand in mine and swing it back and forth as we walk nowhere in particular.
I wish I could hear you and the brave one chatter as you conspire about your next big adventure.
I wish I could see you dance with your Dada one more time.”
I pray I approach life with the same innocence and love as you. I pray I am a reflection of your grace and embrace this world’s beauty as you did.”
The quiet from which I had once run now beckons like the stars had the night she died. The quiet calls me to allow myself to be lost in heaven’s flickering lights. In the quiet moments, I can feel her hand in mine as I stoop down to pluck the flower that would have caught her eye. I can see it’s her urging my brave one to continue life’s adventure when he brings me the frog he found in the creek. And each time vibrant colors paint the sky; I can feel her smiling as she spins across the colors that are the floor upon which she now dances.
In the quiet space that defines the time since Catherine died, I have come to know, really know, the stars shimmering light will not falter and that wishes cast to the “first star I see tonight” are not only received but answered.